Parenting Excerpts

The Mister Rogers Parenting Book, by Fred Rogers

Reprinted with permission by Running Press.

As the holiday season approaches, I thought you might enjoy some tips from Mr. Rogers on how to handle the stress that comes along with these holidays.

Some adults create so much excitement about birthdays and holidays that children come to think of them as the most special days of the year. With a focus on family gatherings, presents, and parties, there’s a lot for children to look forward to and to fantasize about.

Too Much of a Good Thing?
It’s only natural that the heightened anticipation of birthdays and holidays might lead to expectations that can never be met. Unfortunately, when children find that the anticipation is so much greater than the actuality, they can be disappointed, angry, and upset.

Even if expectations are met, it can be hard for a child to receive too much of anything – gifts, foods, attention – at any one time. In fact, it can be just plain overwhelming for children to receive so much of everything. They may wonder, “How can I make up for all this? How can I say ‘thank you’ enough? How can I ever be good enough in return for all this?”

Creating Family Traditions
Almost every family has some traditions for holidays or birthdays – being together at a certain place, making some special holiday food, singing certain songs, lighting candles. Most people say it’s those traditions that make the days special for them. Traditions can be like anchors that help us feel more secure and stable. They can be especially important when families feel the frenzy that sometimes comes with the holidays.

Traditions give us a framework for celebrating. But some of those traditions that were comforting for parents in their childhood families may not work well for their children today. Over the years, families tend to develop their own traditions. We may be surprised at how little it takes to make a day feel really special.

Commotion and crowds can be over-stimulating for children and make it harder for them to control their impulses. During long family gatherings, children tend to manage better if they have a place of their own that’s safely out of the way of the adults – a place where they can go to do their own kinds of things. It could be a place outside, a quiet room with some books and toys, or just a space behind a sofa in the living room.

Parents Want a “Perfect” Day
Birthdays and other holidays sometimes make parents feel like they’re being swept up in a whirlwind. They’re naturally concerned about their over-worrying, overworking, and over-spending! And in the desire to try and to make the holiday a perfect day for their children, they can easily be led to enormous disappointment.

In the case of the winter holidays, that desire to create the perfect day is fanned to a great blaze by the media. The loudest message of the season, shouted from millions of television sets, newspapers, and magazines, seems to be: “To spend more is to love more, and to be more dearly loved.”

What a seductive message, especially for parents! When a baby is born, parents feel that they would like to give their baby a perfect life. But of course that’s not realistic, especially if “perfection” means a life that is always happy. Our children will sometimes hurt, have stomachaches and growing pains, feel jealousy and disappointment. Very early in our children’s lives we will be forced to realize that the “perfect” (untroubled) life we’d like for them is just a fantasy. Nevertheless, there’s a persistent fantasy that “Even if I can’t give my child a perfect life, maybe I can at least make a perfect day once or twice each year – on his or her birthday, and at Christmas or Hanukkah or…”

Coping with Disappointment
Often the anticipated day brings tears, fights, and disappointments, with parents feeling at the end of the day that their children never appreciated any of it. “We did all of this for you, and why aren’t you happy?” There’s a letdown that turns that “perfect” day into a big disappointment. Of course, no one wants to disappoint a child; however, an important part of being a parent is helping children cope with disappointment.

Children sometimes ask for gifts their parents can’t afford or don’t feel are appropriate. We can help children learn early on that there are limits to what people can have…. If parents are supportive they can help a child face disappointment and grow from it. And coping with disappointment is a “gift” that they’ll be able to use all their lives.

Celebrate the Small Things
While we generally think of celebrating big occasions, some of the best things to celebrate are the small moments that happen in every day life, like seeing someone help another person, learning something new, or noticing a beautiful sunset, a pretty flower, or a flight of birds. When we can take the time in the midst of our busy world to celebrate things like that, we’re nourishing our children and ourselves.

Helpful Hints for the Winter Holidays:

• Find some quiet time before the holidays to ask your child what traditions he or she has enjoyed over the years. They may be the ones you want to be sure and preserve.
• Involve your child in the pre-holiday activities by working together to make name cards for the family meal, making cookies, creating holiday cards, or setting up the candles. Participating gives children an important sense of belonging.
• Before going to another home for a family gathering for the holidays, let your child know what to expect. Talk about what you know about the house…and the guests who might be there.
• Try to be aware of when your child begins to be stressed and go to a quiet place with your child to lie down for a while, to look at a book, or to take a walk. Once children become over-stimulated, exhausted, fretful or just plain out of control, it’s harder for them to settle down. They need to feel confident that their parents will help them get back into control.

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