Parenting Excerpts

After the Baby Comes by Gloria Lemay

“Let me know if I can help you in any way when the baby is born…”
“Just let me know if you need a hand…”
“Anything I can do just give me a call…”

Most pregnant women get these statements from friends and family, but shy away from making requests when they are up to their ears in dirty laundry, unmade beds, dust bunnies and countertops crowded with dirty dishes. The myths of: “I’m fine; I’m doing great; new motherhood is wonderful; I can cope and my husband is the Rock of Gibralter” are pervasive in postpartum land.

Many women refuse to ask for help because they fear the helpers will require more energy from them than the help is worth. Certainly, going to the home of a new family and visiting, talking and drinking tea is a drain on the energies of the tired new parents. In our culture, many people think if they show up with flowers or a gift, it buys them permission to bask in the glow of the miracle of birth for hours. People who don’t have children are most guilty of this. It’s best for the new mother to visit from her bed and just close her eyes when she wants company to leave. Having an organized plan, in advance, for ways to get the practical help that new parents really need will pay big dividends.

If you’re too shy to ask for help and make straight requests of people, I suggest sending the following list out to your friends and family. These are the things I have found to be missing in every house with a new baby. It’s actually easy and fun for outsiders to remedy these problems for the new parents, but there seems to be a lot of confusion about what’s wanted and needed:

1. Buy us toilet paper, milk and beautiful whole grain bread.
2. Buy us a new garbage can with a swing top lid and six pairs of black cotton underpants (woman’s size ___).
3. Make us a big supper salad with feta cheese, black Calamata olives, toasted almonds, organic green crispy things and a nice homemade dressing on the side. Drop it off and leave right away.
4. Come over about 2:00 in the afternoon, hold the baby while I have a hot shower, put me to bed with the baby and then fold all the piles of laundry that have been dumped on the couch, beds or in the room corners.
5. Come over at 10:00 a.m., make me eggs, toast and a half grapefruit. Clean my fridge and throw out everything you are in doubt about. Don’t ask me about anything, just use your best judgment.
6. Put a sign on my door saying “Dear Friends and Family, Mom and baby need extra rest right now. Please come back in seven days, but phone first. All donations of casserole dinners would be most welcome.
7. Come over in your work clothes and vacuum and dust my house and then leave quietly. It’s tiring for me to chat and have tea with visitors, but it will renew my soul to get some rest knowing I will wake up to a clean well-organized space.
8. Take my older kids for a really fun-filled afternoon to a park, zoo or Science World and feed them healthy food.
9. Come over and give my husband a two hour break so he can go to a coffee shop, pub, hockey rink or some other R&R that will delight him. Fold more laundry.
10. Make me a giant pot of vegetable soup and clean the kitchen completely afterwards. Take a big garbage bag and empty every trash basket in the house and reline with fresh bags.

These are the kindnesses that new families remember and appreciate forever. It’s easy to spend money on gifts, but the things that really make a difference are the services for the body and soul described above. Most of your friends and family members don’t know what they can to that won’t be an intrusion. They also can’t devote 40 hours to supporting you, but they would be thrilled to devote 4 hours. If you let 10 people help you out for 4 hours, you will have the 40 hours of rested, adult support you really need with a newborn in the house. There’s magic in the little prayer, “I need help.”

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