Parenting Excerpts

Many Ways to Say I Love You: Wisdom for Parents and Children from Mister Rogers by Fred Rogers

Reprinted with permission from Hyperion.

My own wish for children is that they learn to find joy even amidst the world’s and their own imperfections…that they grow to have a clear but forgiving interior voice to guide them…and that they come to have a reasonable sense of shame without an unreasonable burden of guilt.

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There is an inner rhythm which sets the normal beat for human growth. We need to respect that rhythm in ourselves, our friends, and in the children with whom we live and work. Healthy babies grow from one phase to another in a predictable way. Human beings have to learn to crawl before they learn to walk. And when we’re ready to crawl, we’ll find every chance we can to crawl and crawl and crawl – and we don’t want people to stop us from crawling, and we don’t want people to hurry us to walk.

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As children come to be more aware of themselves and their world, they also become aware of how small they are compared to the people who look after them. It may seem that grown-ups get to do all the big and exciting things and make all the decisions, too. But there are special things about childhood and being a child. It helps children feel good about who they are when we adults value the many things children can do. It’s a way for us to let them know that we don’t want or expect them to be more grown up than they’re ready to be – that we really do like them just the way they are.

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As children learn, they begin to sort and classify. Often they do it by way of opposites – big or little, hard or soft, good or bad, black or white, night or day…and, of course, same or different. But not many things are all one way or all another, and certainly people aren’t.

We all know people who have frown up to dislike other people who are different – because they are different. I’ve often noticed that when someone feels that way, that person doesn’t feel very good about his or her own differences. I think that’s where it all begins for us parents: helping our children feel good about their differences so they can be accepting or, and open to, the differences of others. When we help them learn that, we help them build the foundation of compassion.

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What matters most is how children feel about their uniqueness, once they do begin to realize that they are different from everyone else. How each one of us comes to feel about our individual uniqueness has a strong influence on how we feel about everyone’s uniqueness. Every time we affirm how special our children are to us for being themselves, we’re helping them grow into adults who rejoice in the diversity of the world’s people.

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None of us is exactly like anyone else, but one thing we have in common is our humanity, our very natural, understandable desire to know that at least somebody, onebody, thinks there’s something special about us, something worth caring about.

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One thing is certain: Children need lots of free, quiet time to get used to all that’s developing within them. Have you noticed that unhurried time by yourself or with someone you really trust can be the best setting for your own personal growth? It’s no different for children.

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Finding the inner readiness to do new things is such an important part of growth. It’s one of those things that can be encouraged and supported, but can’t be hurried,

A berry ripens in its own good time…and so does a child’s readiness. Just as the one needs water and sunlight, the other needs the patient reassurance of loving adults who can trust children to grow according to their own timetables. We need to remember that many, many “normal” children depart from the so-called norm, and that all children develop the different parts of their minds and bodies on different schedules. That’s part of what makes each child one of a kind – something for which we and they can learn to be grateful.

You can see or purchase the book, Many Ways to Say I Love You here.

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